February 15, 2024
I would consider this title to be an adaptation of episode 131. It was a timely episode, I would say, and one that should have been listened to before making any decision on Valentine's Day because Dr. Agaba Denis was generous with his time and knowledge in guiding us on what it looks like to cultivate an emotionally healthy relationship.
This is a week of love and one that should be just about that, but it is also a week in which many hearts are broken, and this brings me to this week's Cafe Javas viral video.
First things first. That Cafe Javas Valentine's embarrassment, like any other rejected public proposal, shouldn't happen. There have been arguments about how the parties on the receiving end should be civil and accept whatever is given, to save the other person from embarrassment, but I don't think any of us want to appear to be accepting of the things we don't want. Worse when videos circulate on social media.
We have faulted women for causing such deep shame on men, and in all fairness, I, too, had never understood how possible it is that someone can propose marriage to someone who has not shown interest in the same - with them. I've always imagined that these men are led on, and often, I blamed women for not being honest, but then there's another version of truth to explore.
In last week's episode, I invited you to include yourself in the definition of empathy because many of us find ourselves playing the sacrificial lamb. I've done this in friendships and relationships. In all instances, I swore that the other parties were terrible people, but as the years went by, I realised I had no respect for myself.
It was evident that these people did not want me to be part of their life story, but I was too invested in the idea of loving them, feeling like, "Well, at least I like them and I am good to them. They'll finally notice and reciprocate," but to what end? That's a question I never asked myself.
Some of us find ourselves in relationships where we feel like our sole responsibility is to please the other person, even when it costs our sanity. We do not know what it's like to love ourselves and leave the sole responsibility (of loving us) on the other party to figure out or go all the way as much as we do for them.
Years ago, Will Smith shared a post in which he suggested that leaving the sole responsibility to define your happiness, on the other person, is such a selfish idea. His point seemed valid yet confusing, but years later, I now understand it because imagine relating with someone who doesn't know how to bring happiness to themselves but expects you to figure it out for them. They're just a log to themselves waiting for you to entertain or bring life into them and find you a horrible person for knowing and doing the things that make your heart glad.
Don't get me wrong here. I appreciate the idea of a two-way relationship, a relationship that invests in both parties. I'll advocate for that on any day because one of the things I fear is being lonely in what should look like a relationship that has two people in it.
My problem here is when the investment falls solely on one end and we are too blinded to notice or to hit our brakes.
The truth about people who don't like you is that they show you, but like the good Christian man or submissive woman that you are, you keep expending your time, energy, and money, waiting for them to feel pity on you and requite the love. Unfortunately, it never turns out as you wish, or if you're unlucky, the person will stay for what they're taking from you but never be interested in you. This has left us sneering at the opposite genders and faulting them for the mess we contributed to.
In this week's episode on the podcast, our resident psychiatrist, Dr. Agaba Denis said that the root cause of our pain is the lack of communication. That in many cases, when we do not communicate our intentions in a relationship, it is possible for one person to be steps ahead of the other person instead of being on the same level of relating. Case in point: you find that one is just there for fun and the other person is looking at marriage, but no one is talking about it because we don't like conversations that will cause us discomfort. We would rather go with assumption until it breaks us apart and then play the victim. But did you ever advocate for yourself in this relationship?
Coming out in public to corner the other person and force them into the idea of loving you and crying fowl yet you already saw the signs that chose to ignore is a terrible behaviour we should abandon in this first quarter of 2024. I'm also choosing the quarter because I know habits don't die overnight.
Work on yourself. Value yourself as much as you value the other person. You cannot try to play Jesus, who died for the sins of the world. You will not manage.
For the love of life,
