Last year I went for a meeting with a potential partner organization and after the "official talk" he told me that when with mental health professionals, he usually asks if they believe that mental health is visible. He invited me into this same debate and I told him that it is not always but he countered my take with the argument that it is always in the way people behave. I took time to explain the details of what is unseen and I think he wasn't ready for the conversation. Perhaps he was more ready to win than learn.
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I spent years running away from this picture. Every time Facebook brought it back as a memory, I'd quickly scroll by it. I took this picture in my friend's hostel room. At the time, I had noticed that my life had changed. I went from feeling safest on my own to feeling like being on my own is the most threatening thing to contend with. It was my first suicidal ideation period. It lasted weeks and I think what saved me from explaining why I was hanging out with friends more than usual is that we were in the examination period. So technically, we had to be around each other to do last minute discussions.
I stayed out longer to make sure that I only returned to my hostel room to sleep because whenever I was on my own, I'd ruminate and make sense of how unworthy living was.
When I took this picture, I shared it on Facebook with a caption preaching about happiness yet I was deeply sad and scared or even tired of living. I always cried myself to sleep and started my day crying. I'd prepare myself so fast to leave my room because I knew the longer I stayed on my own, the easier it would be for me to plan my death.
I discussed with my friends. Ate our meals well and wished each other good night with a clear plan of what we would be studying the following day.
So no, emotional/mental health struggles aren't always visible. We care for children who are plotting their own death. We hang out with friends who are scanning through the best ways to die. We sleep with partners who dread the idea of waking up. And in all this emotional chaos, some have mastered the art of masking so well that we shall be caught off guard when the deadly ball drops.
