My major understanding of suicide and the beginning of my unwavering empathy for the people who die by suicide started in December 2014. Curled up on my hostel room floor and feeling like death was a lot easier than the excruciating pain of the heartbreak I was suffering, at the time, made me aware of why people die by suicide. I was in between trying to save myself from the abyss of darkness and understanding the reason why people die by suicide. For a moment, I put a pause to my sorrow and I wondered what works. Poison? Ahhh that would cause me strong stomach pains – I hate it when my stomach hurts. Jump off a building? Which one is accessible? So, if I find one, will I die-die, or will my limbs just break and I continue with my life deformed because of a failed suicide? What if I just go into a vegetative state? Damn! What works to finality? I couldn’t find a way out and when I stopped looking for what will off me easier, the wound re-opened. Far from reach for it gnawed not at the surface but my spirit and sense of self.
September 10th is World suicide prevention day and as per the 2019 World Health Organisation statistics, every 40 seconds, a person dies by suicide. According to the Organisation’s estimates, this year, 703,000 people die by suicide every year and if I indeed passed my maths classes, that draws down to about 1,952 people dying by suicide each day. It is further estimated that for every person who dies by suicide, 20 people are making a suicide attempt and more have serious suicide ideations. Looking at how high the numbers are when making studies related to suicide, and yet we barely have an idea as to who may be struggling with suicide ideations or those attempting to do so, only speaks to the silent culture encouraged by society. It speaks to how much we are more open to discussing our successes than struggles. In the secular world, you are ungrateful and in a religious one - a Christian one, if I may, it is forbidden to dare say you are struggling yet Jesus already paid it all so that you do not suffer. It is a sin. It is a norm to silence anyone who “bothers'' us with the reality of life.
I am, however, grateful that when the world was plunged into the unprecedented times of the Coronavirus, many acknowledged the magnitude of mental health and how it should be prioritized as much as we do physical health. When I highlight the magnitude of mental health while talking about suicide it does not mean that it is only those struggling with mental illnesses/disorders, that ideate or die by suicide. As highlighted by World Health Organisation, some suicides happen impulsively, in moments of crisis with a breakdown in the ability to deal with life stresses, such as abuse, loss, financial problems, relationship break-ups, or chronic pain and illness, inter alia. Brother Martin’s story falls right within this scope of impulsiveness.
BROTHER MARTIN
On Saturday 3rd September 2022 I had a podcast to record at 15:00HRS only to find that the person who had to open the studio for me was nowhere to be found and the ones available had no access. The only person who could help me could only come through at 17:00HRS. Luck fell on my side when the guest chose patience and understanding, over exasperation. The two-hour gap gave us time to build deeper rapport. I was on the receiving end of the questions. He kept saying that the prior cancellations (they had been about 4) and that day’s incident of finding the studio locked made him more excited about what could be causing these mishaps. That he was even more dedicated to making sure that the recording happens. The recording was a success and I let him go at about 19:00HRS. I too, after getting some work in order, ordered a ride.
The Boda-man, two minutes into our journey, asked that I excuse him for making some inquiries. Are you married? I took a deep breath thinking that this was going to be one of those unsolicited advice episodes on marriage. I told him I wasn’t. Have you ever been in a relationship? I answered in the affirmative. Have you ever been heartbroken? I answered in the affirmative. “Forgive me but you are the right person to speak to. You know a couple of days ago, I was depressed…” I held my breath to be sure I had heard right. Depressed? A bodaboda man is speaking English. Not News. He just said DEPRESSED. He has used the word depressed in his communication with me. This person must be self-aware. I was tired and couldn’t wait to get home and zone out but hearing that someone I am almost body to body with, is or was depressed got me alert. I had to sober up my mind as much as I could so that if there was a need for me to help him get to the light, I do it in a befitting manner.
His name is Martin and I am sharing this story with his consent.
Martin’s case is that of a relationship breakup. Martin had been in a 3-year relationship with a lady who depended on him for everything. He took on the role of sole provider because she did not work and neither does she have any living parents save for the extended family. She decided to part ways with him because he was broke, according to her standards. This was shocking when it came into his hearing because whatever she needed, he provided. He always ensured that she had all the basic needs and had been saving for a phone because she had told him that the one she had was outdated. He wanted to get her an iPhone. He was sure that by November, he would be able to get it. It did not matter that his phone was malfunctioning, her needs came first; and that is why even when she decided to leave him, he asked her to call him in case she needed anything.
A day before he and I met, she called to ask him for money and as soon as he expressed interest in meeting her so that they could talk, she harshly asked “About what?” Before then, he believed that he had had enough days to heal from the separation but the harsh “about what” reopened what he thought to be old wounds. Martin expressed worry that she was going to end up with men who were going to hurt her. That they were going to use and dump her.
In the earlier days of the separation, Martin bought three packets of what I would intentionally limit to the word "chemicals". He bought three of them so that there is no sign of life left in him when he consumes chemicals. Dying was far easier than the pain of losing the person he loved more than he loved himself and his mother. If my memory serves me right, as soon as he finished mixing the chemicals with the water, he had the voice of his little sister crying out for him. “Brother Martin, Brother Martin” he heard the voices in his head. He could not bear the sound of his crying little sister so he gave up on the plan to off himself. He had to restructure his life in terms of those who hold priority in his life, so he chose his family. Martin said that what hurts him the most is not the money he has spent on the lady but the fact that his plans no longer include her. It was bizarre for him to imagine life without her. Corners in the house reminded him of her. The land he had bought was for him to start a home and raise a family with her. He could not believe that their relationship was no more.
At some point, pain morphed into bitterness. He wanted to kill her but thankfully he managed to calculate the risk that comes with such a decision. It would haunt him for the rest of his life that he killed someone or worse be imprisoned for it; and that would mean that even after years of separation, she would still haunt him.
In his story, I noticed he believed he knew what his former lover deserved so I asked him what it is that he believes he deserves and he had no answer. I pointed out to him that society conditions us to care more about those around us before learning how to take care of ourselves; and that, that is the reason why he cannot find an immediate answer when asked what it is that he deserves in a relationship. By the time we parted ways that evening, we had, at least, established that he deserves a loyal and grateful partner. I also asked him to give himself time, however painful, to heal for it may even take more than a year to heal from the heartbreak. I am in touch with him and have since let him call me, whenever he needs someone to talk to.
When I speak of my contemplation to die by suicide, I often highlight how lucky I am that I found a reason to stay. It was the thought of leaving my mother, my best friend. For Martin, it was his sister. When he made mention of that incident of hearing his sister crying out for him, I was placed back in my hostel room, thinking about how much my mother would be aggrieved at the sight of my dead body. I call this a moment of privilege because many a time the people who die by suicide, have lost all hope, purpose, and reason to stay. The people who die by suicide, for the most part, take their lives because they are struggling and are in a great deal of emotional and mental pain therefore we cannot dismiss them as selfish people. Worse still, most of them feel like they are a burden to the ones they love and therefore feel like their loved ones’ lives would be better off without them.
It is five years since I last ideated suicide and I could swear to you that the choice to live is the best decision I have ever made, in my life. I have since learned that heartbreaks and severe stress are temporary and my silent mantra during a crisis often is “If I survived 2014 and 2017, I will get out of this, safely”. To the person struggling mentally or emotionally, I can assure you that recovery is possible and that however dark it is for you right now, there is so much light awaiting you at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
The World Health Organisation’s triennial theme for the World Suicide Prevention Day from 2021-2023 is “Creating Hope through Action” and to further break down the meaning of the theme, they advise that by creating hope through action, we can signal to people experiencing suicidal thoughts that there is hope and that we care and want to support them.
While at the Mental Health Run, that happened on last year's suicide prevention awareness day, the psychiatrist asked a question that I'd like to leave you with - Do your words break or do they give hope?
If you are contemplating suicide or know anyone who is, please make use of the available services provided by mental health organisations or facilities.
